posted on Friday, December 07, 2007 4:40 PM
by
Lou Michels
Party Time
It's the period between Thanksgiving and New Year's, otherwise known as "The Danger Zone" in the employment law world because of--wait for it--the dreaded office party.
I've counted at least five separate articles published on various employment law websites, on CNN, and in the local paper on how one should conduct oneself at the office Christmas / holiday party. If those who do not know the past are condemned to repeat it, then nobody is paying attention to what happens after hours between Turkey Day and the Rose Parade. So, in the interests of public service and brevity (because I have two exceedingly long posts already this month), let me give you a quick guide to avoiding problems during this most treacherous time of the year.
First, and most important, Rule: Don't drink. By this I mean you don't drink alcohol; water, Coke, green tea are all just fine. But alcohol, mixed with office politics, some low-cut blouses, and the occasional ill-placed sprig of mistletoe, appears to be the root of all evil. In fact, one article that listed ways to prevent company party lawsuits dealt with nothing but alcohol consumption.
Second Rule: Don't dance. This is especially true if you are now shopping for your suits in the "portly" aisle of the men's department, are buying dresses in two digit sizes where the numbers add up to more than 10, or have the sense of rhythm and body awareness of a rhinoceros.
Third Rule: Avoid any combo-violations of Rules One and Two at the same party.
Last Rule: Avoid all deep and meaningful conversations with anyone, including your spouse/significant other. By "deep and meaningful", I mean all topics except for: a) the weather; b) the local sports franchises; c) how the weather affects the local sports franchises; d) where people bought their shoes.
Some of you are reading this now and saying to yourselves, "But this will prevent anyone from having any fun!" To those of you to whom this applies, you should stay home drinking under the mistletoe, discussing the 2008 Democratic primaries with your dance partner, because you obviously do not understand the purpose of the office party. It's not to have fun, it's to socialize in a restrictive, high threat environment. And hope that somebody dances.
Happy holidays.